How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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