we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
