she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
