I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
