hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
