Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
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Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
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We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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