and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
