is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
