i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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