He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
