Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
