My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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