I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
