I cockslap morals
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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