fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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