i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
