I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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