Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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