Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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