There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
