so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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