3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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