This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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