he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
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He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
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I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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