i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
