I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
