I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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