I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
