you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
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I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
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I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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