my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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