genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
