when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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