To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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