Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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