i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
