Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
