if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
