Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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