dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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