I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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