doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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