she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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