I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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