I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
