You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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