My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
