Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
