dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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