guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
