I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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