drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
