I will die if light touches me.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
