I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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