He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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